When I was younger than I am now, having a family wasn’t something I really gave much thought. Sure I had a crush here and there when I was a kid but the thought of “forever” hadn’t really crossed my mind. Then it was like life began, so to speak. I started to think about my future outside of my family’s umbrella. What was it that I wanted with my life? I wanted to do something with my life that made an impacting difference in, not only the lives of those around me, but in my own as well.
I evetually went off to college and met the man I would soon vow to be with for the rest of my life. That hadn’t been my goal just starting out, but sometimes God just has a way of leading you to something (or someone) amazing. With meeting my husband, I realized something else I wanted: a family. Now, almost a whole year after getting married, we are joyfully expecting our first child. I am about 4.5 months pregnant as I write this; halfway though the second trimester.
There is something that I have pondered about pregnancy for a few weeks now, and it is the essence of it all. I can’t stop thinking about the wonder, the awe, and the joy that I feel with every kick from our little one. I think about how much of an honor and a privilege it is to be able to carry a whole new life within my own body. In many ways it feels like I am fulfilling an age old purpose for myself. And it feels good.
With these thoughts, I opened my Bible one morning to the story of my namesake, Hannah. I was curious. I knew her story, roughly, but I wanted to refresh my memory. What I read shined a light on the sacredness of this purpose. Her story begins in 1 Samuel 1.
“There was a man from Ramathaim Zophim, from the hill country of Ephraim. His name was Elkanah. He was the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; the name of the first was Hannah and the name of the second was Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children. This man would go up from his city year after year to worship and to sacrifice to the LORD of Heaven’s Armies at Shiloh. (It was there that the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, served as the LORD’s priests.) The day came, and Elkanah sacrificed.” 1 Samuel 1:1-4a; New English Translation
Let’s pause here. We have one man with two wives, which wasn’t something uncommon in those days. Hannah is described as the first wife, Peninnah the second. Immediately we are shown a contrast between the two wives. One was childless, the other was fruitful. To be childless was to wear a badge of shame, and we will see later that Peninnah made sure Hannah was aware of this.
“(Now he used to give meat portions to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he would give a double portion because he loved Hannah, although the LORD had not enabled her to have children. Her rival used to aggravate her to the point of exasperation, just to irritate her, since the LORD had not enabled her to have children. This is how it would go year after year. As often as she went up to the LORD’s house, Peninnah would offend her in that way.)” 1 Samuel 1:4b-7a
I can only imagine the sorrow that Hannah was under on a daily basis. All of it was made worse when they went to worship. The story continues:
“So she cried and refused to eat. Then her husband Elkanah said to her, ‘Hannah, why are you crying and why won’t you eat? Why are you so upset? Am I not better to you than ten sons?’ So Hannah got up after they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh. At the time Eli the priest was sitting in his chair by the doorpost of the LORD’s sanctuary. As for Hannah, she was very distressed. She prayed to the LORD and was, in fact weeping. She made a vow saying, ‘O LORD of Heaven’s Armies, if you would truly look on the suffering of your servant, and would keep me in mind and not neglect your servant, and give your servant a male child, then I will dedicate him to the LORD all the days of his life. His hair will never be cut.'” v. 7b-11
Have you ever been so heavily burdened that when you finally had a moment with just you and God, all of it poured out all at once? I can almost feel her sobs. She, for whatever reason, could not have children. It didn’t matter how hard she tried or how much Elkanah loved her, she was barren. My thoughts begin to wander.. what if I were in her position? My body was created with the necessary components to be able to carry, sustain, and give birth to a child. And when it feels like that capability has been stripped from you, I can only imagine the devastation. . . especially when that is all you want.
“It turned out that she did a great deal of praying before the LORD. Meanwhile Eli was watching her mouth. As for Hannah, she was speaking in her mind. Only her lips were moving; her voice could not be heard. So Eli thought she was a drunkard.
Then he said to her, ‘How much longer do you intend to get drunk? Put away your wine!’ But Hannah replied, “Not so, my lord! I am a woman under a great deal of stress. I haven’t drunk wine or beer. But I have poured out my soul before the LORD. Don’t consider your servant a wicked woman. It’s just that, to this point, I have spoken from my deep pain and anguish.’
Eli replied, ‘Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant the request that you have asked of him.’ She said, ‘May I, your servant, find favor in your sight.’ So the woman went her way and got something to eat. Her face no longer looked sad.” v. 12-18
She no longer looked sad. Every burden she had held onto had finally been let go. She poured out her soul before God and trusted that He had heard her. I really admire her for her faith. She didn’t get a sign, no angel visit, no big reply that told her God would answer for sure. Only words of comfort from the priest, Eli. She left the temple no longer looking sad. The next day they worshiped God and then made the journey home. The end of verse 19 then says, “Elkanah was intimate with his wife Hannah, and the LORD called her to mind.” Not that He had forgotten her, but rather He chose to think of her. He had heard her heartfelt prayers and was prepared to answer her. She then became pregnant. She ended up having a son, just like she had requested. She fulfilled her end of the promise she had made to God and, after the boy, Samuel, had been weaned, she brought him to the temple to dedicate him to God. He was going to serve in the temple under the priest, Eli.
Hannah was so full of praise and thanks to the God who heard her that it all poured out. Her prayer is located in 1 Samuel 2:1-10. My favorite verses are the first two, which say, “My heart has rejoiced in the LORD; my horn has been raised high because of the LORD. I have loudly denounced my enemies. Ineed I rejoice in your deliverance. No one is holy like the LORD! There is no one other than you! There is no rock like our God!”
God had heard and answered her prayer and she was so full of joy. Her shame had been removed. The joy of being able to bear children was restored to her. Yes, joy, pure joy. I am only halfway through my first pregnancy and I have experience a piece of this joy. Every time my child moves, I feel a life separate from my own, yet sustained by my own. I am in awe of what God has created my body to be able to do. It is truly a blessing and a privilege to carry a child, to sustain his/her life with my own, to deliver, and to continue to sustain after birth. I am truly honored to be walking this path to motherhood. May its wonders never cease.
Hannah’s story shows me a little of how much of a blessing it is to be able to have children, and it encourages me to take everything to God, without filter. He hears the raw feelings of the heart, the pain and the joy. In this moment, I know he hears the feelings of my own heart; the anxiety, the worry, and the pure joy altogether. He hears it all. The world teaches us to hide and conceal our true feelings from those around us, so much so that it can be difficult to open up and pray, difficult to bare ourselves before the all-mighty God. But we serve the God who sees us for who we truly are. Like Hannah, we don’t need to hold back or hide from Him. We can take everything to His feet, trusting that He hears us and understands.
“No one is holy like the LORD!
There is no one other than you!
There is no rock like our God!”
1 Samuel 2:2; NET
Morning Glory Journal 